How to Respond When Children Push Boundaries Because They Feel Safe

One thing all children and teens need to grow into their most optimal and holistically healthy selves is a sense of physical safety that resonates as inner security. Decades of child development research, positive psychology, and neuroscience research support this truth. The journey to inner security is often characterized as “coming home to ourselves;” “creating home within us;” or “finding home within us.” For children, the development of home within starts in their physical environments. As they learn they are safe to feel, safe to speak, safe to play, and safe to rest, they develop an inner security that serves as neurophysiological basis for healthy self-concept and healthy self-esteem. Inner safety simply means we are good on the inside. And as loving and caring adults, we want our children to be good on the inside.

“Inner safety means we are good on the inside. And as loving and caring adults, we want our children to be good on the inside.”

When children learn they are safe to feel, speak, play, learn, and fail, something changes for them and within them. They become surer of themselves. They test new ideas and even challenge us adults respectfully as they arrive at different points of view. Quite frankly, I enjoy seeing a child arrive at different perspectives and invite me to see things from different angles. It can be enjoyable and mentally expansive. But what happens when children feel so safe that they take their time getting started with a task or completing a task? What happens when they want to negotiate or explore different paths towards the same goal? I say, “If there is time, let them.” Whether you are professional working with children or an all-star parent working with your own, there are ways that we can help children reach their learning targets while being flexible. When there isn’t an abundance of time, we can create space for this type of learning. Here are the steps I take.

1. See the child in their beauty and wonder. Your student or child knows when you look at them with the eyes of awe and curiosity rather than impatience and concern. Nothing’s wrong with concern. But when coupled with impatience, we can leave psychological wounds over time.
2. Verbally acknowledge what you notice in your child’s emotional state. This lets them know that you see them and you are present with them. You can simply say, “Your feeling really relaxed. You’re feeling really safe. You’re feeling really silly. I see you.” Emotions are expressed through behavior. When we acknowledge the state, we can help them move through it towards the goal.
3. Tell them that even while they’re feeling relaxed, safe, and silly, there is job to be done and that they can do it. In fact, you are there to see them get it done because they indeed can do. If they need your assistance, you are there for that too. Relaxation, safety, and silliness are elevated emotions. This enables them to complete their tasks efficiently, as their emotional state supports effective job performance. 
4. After acknowledging the child’s emotional state and expressing that the job or task must be done, watch them to see what they accomplish. The goal could be homework, cleaning, organizing, a game that supports executive function in the brain, or any less-preferred activity. Watch them to see what they accomplish towards the goal.
5. If the child is taking more time because they’re feeling very safe and silly, set a timer for getting started. Also, remind the child that there are other activities for you to do. But first, must-dos before want-tos. Must-dos before want-tos teach prioritization, which involves executive brain functions
6. Allow the child to offer some ideas for making the task or job more fun, if there is space it. Otherwise, set a timer and watch them work.
7. Be patient. Be observant. Reward them with your sincere validation of their efforts.
8. Celebrate a job done.
9. Reflect with the child on how they think they did. Also, ask them how feeling safe, silly, and relaxed helped them reach the goal. This type of reflection builds a healthy self-concept and memories as resources for getting things done.

With these 9 steps, you can enjoy your child or student more. You will also gain more insight into who they are as people and how they develop a sense of awe in you.

Do you have more questions about this topic? I’d be happy to answer your questions. Email me at ashley@risewhereyouare.com. Check out a video of this content on my YouTube channel.