Photo Credit: Ashley M. Blanco
Decision making is a part of daily living. It heavily influences our internal lives and deeply affects the quality of our external lives. Children and adolescents are not exempt from this part of life. They, too, make decisions about their actions. And many teens, believe it or not, struggle with decision-making. Several teens I work with express wanting to know more about which decisions to make in life. The scary part is often not knowing which decision to make. But the more we model making decisions with self-awareness, the more proactive we become in teaching our young people how to decide, not just what to decide.
Don’t Wait Until Something Happens to Teach Or Preach Decision-Making
Instead of waiting until the kids have done something we don’t want them to do to teach them about the importance of decision-making, let’s be proactive. We can teach our kids how to make decisions simply by modeling and making room for them to make decisions.
When we make room for their voice, we make room for them to expand. Some kids shrink in the decision-making moment simply because they are not accustomed to that level of responsibility. The great news is that the human brain is adaptable [1]. Conscious decision making as a habit makes the brain more adaptable for deciding in extended contexts.
If you have a child who is timid or doubtful in their ability to make decisions, try the following activities with your child.
- Make room for their verbal input on decision making that involves them and is appropriate for them to give input [2]. Stick with what you have already decided is appropriate for them to give input. If you want to explore or expand, here are some ideas. For older kids, this includes but is not limited to where they attend school, what internships they explore, what clubs they attend or begin, and how often they complete tasks at home. For younger children, this includes but is not limited to what they would like to wear, with whom they would like to have a play date, and what types of rewards they can earn for demonstrating integrity and trustworthiness. When you make room for their voice, you show them how much you care.
- Start with small decisions. If your child often expresses or displays paralysis of analysis, limit the options to two or three. A third option helps young people expand their thinking beyond two options, which could help them speed up their decision-making time due to a third option.
- Request your child to decide within 5 seconds. Many of us are familiar with the behavior science made popular by Mel Robbins, which includes starting a task within 5 seconds of having the thought to do the task. Applying decision-making to the 5 second rule trains children and adolescents to trust their ability to decide.
- Demonstrate the process of deciding. Your consistent example encourages your child in the long run. Narrate your thinking in front of them so they have an audible representation of your thoughts. When deciding, don’t get caught up in all the outcomes of the decision. Focus on making the decision in the moment. You can assess the outcomes later.
- Distinguish between small significant decisions and simply small decisions. Both matter, but in my experience, one applies to creating the overall quality of life versus the other affecting the quality in the moment. A small significant decision can be deciding to tell the truth when it’s unwanted or uncomfortable. A small significant decision can be standing up for someone being mistreated versus saying it’s not your business. A small decision could be what type of cereal to pick in an aisle full of variety. A small decision could be to wear the black sweater on a cold day instead of the gray one. Ultimately, you will decide how to distinguish between small significant decision and simply small decisions. Your values and core beliefs will lead you.
When we are presented with conflicting choices, regions in our brain activate. They include the Dorsal Anterior Cingulate Cortex and the Prefrontal Cortex [3]. Make room for your child’s voice while modeling your own decision-making, and you will strengthen the neural pathways associated with these regions in your child’s mind. You will also strengthen and create new neural pathways in your own mind. This is the beauty of neuroplasticity. Before you know it, you and your children will grow together, building the muscles required to assess, prioritize, and decide together for extended contexts.
We won’t be able to teach our kids what to decide for every moment of decision – and that can be daunting. But we can teach them how to alert themselves to their power to decide [2].
Little decisions stacked on top of one another create greater confidence in young people. They also create confidence in us as adults. In this context, confidence that comes from decision-making competence is rooted in repeated experience. Imagine a world full of competent, confident people working together. Their confidence comes from building the muscles required to assess, prioritize, and decide. Let’s keep building this world together!
More Resources
Looking for more ways to help support your child’s confidence to make decisions? Check out A-Maze-In Me, my self-discovery course for teens: https://a.co/d/irNV3MY
Watch my video for helping you help your child reach their objective with less emotional reactivity: https://youtu.be/1cEqR80x5Nk?si=4_nQoWcUmFDBQbHZ
Sources:
- Steffen, P. R., Hedges, D., and Matheson R. (2022) “The Brain Is Adaptive Not Triune: How the Brain Responds to Threat, Challenge, and Change”Front Psychiatrydoi: 10.3389/fpsyt.2022.802606
- Heidi Ham (June 2023)5 Steps To 2 Positive Choices – An In-The-Moment Approach To Positive Guidance https://naaweb.org/news/643554/5-STEPS-TO-2-POSITIVE-CHOICES—AN-IN-THE-MOMENT-APPROACH-TO-POSITIVE-GUIDANCE.htm
- Steven W Kennerley, Mark E Walton, Timothy E J Behrens, Mark J Buckley & Matthew F S Rushworth (2006) Optimal Decision Making and the Anterior Cingulate Cortex. Nature Neuroscience volume 9, pages940–947 https://www.nature.com/articles/nn1724
Ashley M. Blanco 